I am very much an introvert who chews of my thoughts and feeling in the confines of my mind. When I share them it is usually only to Caleb, to everyone else I am always fine and doing well. But I feel like I have learned and grown a lot this year, and that I need to write out what I have learned to solidify it and move forward. 

More than two years ago now I really thought I was fully in control of my own life. I am by nature a very independent, stubborn person. I don't like asking for or needing help, or having to rely on people in general. I have always had the attitude my daughter has inherited from me of "leave me alone I can do it myself".  Then this whole last two years happened. 

I had our family planned, four to five kids spread exactly three years apart. Perfectly planned and thought out. On schedule we started trying for a baby in November 2012. We didn't get pregnant until April. I was frustrated that things had not worked out as I planned. Especially since we got pregnant right away with the other two. We were so excited it had finally worked out. Then at 18 weeks we lost the baby. It was awful. I went to the doctors for a check up by myself with the kids. They couldn't find a heart beat and I started balling. My kids were so nervous and upset, it was traumatic for all of us. I had a Relief Society meeting at my house only an hour after my appointment. So I called one of the girls in my group and tried to hold it together to cancel the meeting but started sobbing. She said "I am coming over" and hung up the phone. It was like an angel had swept in and saved me. She hugged me and took my kids to her house to eat dinner and play so I could just process and come out of the shock I was in. My parents rushed down to help out, Caleb was able to switch his shifts around. I had to be induced into labor the next day since the baby was to large for a D&C.  My doctor, and the hospital were amazing.  They wrapped my tiny baby up for me in a blanket and let me hold him and say good bye. It was probably one of the hardest things that I have had to go through. The amazing thing is I was heartbroken and confused but I felt so much peace. Heavenly Father literally helped me through, and used people around me to support me and help me. For months I struggled with really severe baby blues, which I had never had before. My body felt all worn down, I couldn't sleep and had no energy. By Winter I was still not pulling out of it and just could not seem to get back to normal. I finally went to my doctor and he took a bunch of tests and diagnosed me with hashimotos. I had every single symptom, so I went on thyroid and started to finally feel normal again. 

Several months after loosing the baby we started trying again. Being on the thyroid and feeling a lot better I thought for sure something would work out. We tried to not worry or think about it too much. 

Through out the year we were being blessed again and again. With our house selling, getting a job, getting a house, being able to live near family. All these amazing blessings. But despite all those blessings I felt very far removed from everyone and Heavenly Father. I was starting to get angry and bitter. More than anything else I wanted to continue with my family. I wanted another baby. I would see other women in grocery stores who were letting their babies cry and cry and would find myself being angry at them. Thinking about how ungrateful they were for the miracle they had and were ignoring. Then I would hear about the drug addict moms who would be in the ER having their 13th baby, and wonder why. I am a way better mom, why don't I get a baby? Then at Church some one made a comment about having a testimony of Jesus Christ. They said we can have a testimony of Christ, that he really lives. But the real question is do we really believe he will do what he said he would. I have always had a very strong testimony that Heavenly Father loves us, and that he sent his Son to atone for us. I had never questioned that in my whole life.  I realized through these couple years of disappointment and frustration I had lost a part of that. I had not lost faith that Heavenly Father and Jesus are there, but lost my trust that they would really do what they said they would. Just like I am stubborn and independent in the way that I would rather do it myself than trust that others would really pull through for me. I then realized that I really can't do anything completely on my own, I have no control. I can't plan exactly how spread out my kids would be, or even how many we will end up being able to have. All I can do is trust, and know that Heavenly Father really does love us and that he is really doing what he said he would. Which is doing what is best for us and what we really need, even if it is different from what we have planned.  So one night I knelt down by myself and gave up, I prayed and cried and finally said I will do and be happy with whatever he has planned for me. 

At this point I felt we needed to do more and try infertility.  He did a ton of tests. Physically there was nothing at all wrong with me. So they decided to try me on Clomid. It finally worked! I am still dealing with anxiety of loosing the baby everyday, and somedays I am way more paranoid than others. But I know we have done all that we can and the rest is out of our control. Life is so fragile and temporary, and we think we have so much power and control, but in so many ways we don't. We can control our choices. Everyday we can decide to keep the commandments, we can decide to be happy, we can decide to enjoy and notice all the wonderful blessings that we have, we can decide to be kind, we can decide to work hard, we can decide to learn or teach, we can decide how we react, we can decide how we love. We have control over our mind and thoughts and actions, but everything beyond that is out of our control and that is why we must have faith and trust that we are in the hands of a loving Heavenly Father who is ultimately in control. This year I have really learned the importance of trust. I have been bombarded with amazing blessings all year, but despite that I was choosing to be frustrated and angry, which was pulling me away from what I really needed.  So I am now moving forward, reminding myself everyday to fully trust. 

So far the baby is doing really well. I am still a high risk pregnancy, but I have made it through my first trimester. My next goal is to get past the time I lost the last baby, so only a few more weeks to go. Then I get to find out if it is a boy or girl!

I am so grateful for all the blessings I have been given. I am especially thankful for my wonderful husband who more than anyone else has been so supportive and helpful, and my two wonderful healthy kids. I am so grateful for our little family that we have been blessed with, and trust that we will continue to be blessed with more. 

These are our most recent family pictures taken in the beautiful Valley where we are so blessed to live in. 

Christmas

This year was a very interesting Christmas. I started out a little depressed that we were not already in our house, like we thought we would be. I knew that all our Christmas decorations were in the far back corner buried in our storage unit, and I was kind of sad. Then we found one random box of our Christmas decorations in my parents basement. We had brought it up right after Christmas last year to slowly start our move up North. I had completely forgot about it. The most amazing thing is that the one random box had all our stockings, nativity, tree skirt, and Christmas books in it. Now I never pack all those things in one box and especially not this box. Usually it is my bulb and lights box because it is hard and plastic. I almost burst into to tears when I opened it and realized that it had all the things we would need to make us feel at home this Christmas. It was one of those small almost silly blessings that we are given every once in a while just to let us know that Heavenly Father really does care and watch over us. So despite going into the Christmas season forlorn, it ended up being a really amazing simple Christmas surounded with family and love. 

On Christmas Eve we had dinner and a Christmas program with all our local family. Grandma Bailey made Abigail and Joshua a Nativity dress up set for Christmas. They loved it! Abigail, being the only girl, of course had to play Mary. After the program we came home and did our own little Christmas Eve stuff of opening a present, etc. 

Christmas morning Caleb was home, and not fresh off a night shift! It was our first Christmas that has ever happened. We had a very fun relaxing morning opening presents.

Santa brought Abigail a dollhouse and Joshua a remote control car.  After presents we met back over at my parents for Christmas Brunch in our PJs. Then we came back home to play toys and let mommy and daddy take a little nap :). Christmas prep and morning can be exhausting!  

 We met up with all the family again for a big Christmas dinner. 3 of my 4 siblings were there and all their kids, besides the missionary, and my uncle and Gam. Unfortunately I did not take many pictures and will need to post some more latter.

I did get a picture of the kids digging up the buried treasure in my parents back yard. My Uncle made this elaborate map and instructions. It all led to a metal treasure chest filled with all sorts of "treasures." They had a very good time and could not believe that Grandpa had buried treasure in his back yard. (Although it is not too far out of their imaginations since Grandpa has them fully convinced that he was a real life pirate before he retired! So of course any good pirate would have buried treasure in their back yard!) 

Joshua's School Program

Joshua had his school program. It was cute... a little disorganized, but fun. The best part was just to watch how seriously Joshua did everything. He was really concentrating. Singing, dancing, keeping a beat, etc is kind of out of his natural comfort zone. He dances and sings all over at home, but is always making up his own lyrics and moves. When he has to follow what someone has asked him to do it seems to take all of his concentration. It was pretty cute, and he did really well. He was so excited and proud of himself when it was all over. 

Abigail's Christmas Programs

Abigail was an angel in her little preschool program. It was seriously one of the funniest, cutest things to watch. The stage was full of all these adorable preschool kids.  They kept randomly standing up and asking their teacher a question, or trying to sit with their parents in the audience, it was hilarious. They all sang really well and were so fun to watch.

The three little angels all in a row!

She was so excited to finally get to wear her Christmas dress. She had been wearing it around the house for months and spinning in it. She held it up in the front just like a princess all day.  

These two our just silly, and love to be together any chance they get. Their teacher says they act way more like siblings than cousins.

Disneyland

A few months before we left Redlands we bought a last round of Disney pass as one of our family vacations for the year. While we lived in Redlands Disneyland was our almost every other week fun family outing. We went all the time. It was an hour away, so we could go right after school and have dinner and a fun afternoon as a family. It is seriously one of my favorite memories of living there just because we had so much fun and went so often. Since we had the ultra cheap limited passes we were only allowed to go on days when the park was not busy so it was perfect! Anyways we got our money out of our passes before we moved but still had a couple months left on them. So we decided to surprise the kids and do an overnight at Disneyland. 

We left right after Joshua got out of School and had an evening in the park. We slept down there and then had a whole day there. The kids were so excited to be back and had such a fun day. I love going to Disneyland when it is all decorated for Christmas. 

Abigail had to go on King Triton' s a couple times, and of course Ariel.

Being pregnant I stuck to the little mellow rides with Abigail. Although I could not believe how much both the kids had grown over the summer. Abigail was tall enough to go on almost every single ride. 

Joshua was finally tall enough to go on California Screamin! He cleared the mark by almost two inches, and when we had gone for his Birthday he was not tall enough. He loved the ride, he went on it twice! He is a little bit of a thrill seeker. 

We ended the day perfectly with Cafe Rio for dinner, which is another one of my Redlands traditions I really, really miss. 

It was a very fun trip, and day as a family. Although I do have to say the 2 and a half hour drive makes it not quite as relaxing and fun. We felt a lot more pressure to get on all the rides, and see all the shows. I loved our super relaxed slow paced visits we were use to. Once our pass expires I don't know if we would ever get a pass again. From as far north as we are it is much harder to use. But, Abigail asks me almost weekly when we will go to Disneyland again, so might try to squeeze in one more visit before the passes expire. :)

Preschool Thanksgiving Feast

Abigail had the cutest Thanksgiving Feast at her preschool.  She was an Indian with three Thankful feathers. Her feathers said, mommy and daddy, my big brother, and Heavenly Father. 

She was so excited to have something special that we were all going to come to. We have always been going to Joshua's special things. When we go she asks when will I get to do that? 

The program was right during Joshua's lunch break so I pulled him out to come watch her sing. He was so funny and excited to be there with her. 

 Here are the three best preschool buddies. They love being together.